Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
