Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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