Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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