he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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