i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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