I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
