My first STD was from a foam party
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
