someone threw a dead crab at me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
