I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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