If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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