Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
