Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
