This dress was meant to end up on your floor
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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