I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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