everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
