I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
