This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
