I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
there is glitter all over my balls
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
