i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
