stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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