She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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