My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Never underestimate the power of titties
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
