There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
