Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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