He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
