glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize