Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
