Your dad touched me again.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
