Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
