she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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