I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
