I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
