we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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