The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
