I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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