so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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