I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
