Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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