He told me they were just razor bumps!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
