Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
