My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
