dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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