He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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