Umm I'm too high to move.
Don't make out with my wife yet
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
