fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
