it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
