where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
