Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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