Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
