I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
