then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
