I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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