Reggie can tackle my bush.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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