Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm like, not good at living.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize