Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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