So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
