You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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