I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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