Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
